Moving, Again

Everything is going into it's rightful box. I have fifteen boxes of belongings, which contain everything in the world that I own: books, clothes, music things, medical things. There are a couple of items I own and have had for a long time that I will leave here, like pieces of furniture: bed, bookshelves, tv, music bench.

Taking chances is interesting, at least. You put a whole lot of effort into something, and things may go your way or not. We are not to know in the time of decision making what 'will be.' Everything may go smoothly, and your courage might be rewarded by the universe - you can enjoy the fruits of your hard work. On the other hand, sometimes things won't be as hoped. Your courage might lead you into a darker side of the unknown, a place you weren't planning on going, but a real possibility when doing something new.

I've always been excited about taking chances and facing the unknown. Now I see I've always been excited about the better possibilities, but very naive of the more brutal ones. I never thought anything too bad would be an outcome for me, a hopeful romantic who sees the good wherever I go. But here I've taken a chance that started with a lot of hope and led to a lot of loss and a really hard life.

So now I look into myself and, funny thing is, my hope is still there. It's just transferring it's excitement to another day, another time, another place. This didn't work out, but something else will and it will be good. I don't hope for anything too impossible, mainly that I can stop moving my belongings from place to place. I want a home pretty badly, and to be comfortable again. Hard to feel that in New York.

The thing that I have really liked here besides the trash on the streets are a few people I've talked to who are also uncomfortable. There is something very honest about admitting that. It's opposite from the attitude of pride in living in NYC. It is a city that can be glamorized and held on a pedestal, which can give some people a boost of pride and self esteem for just living here. I haven't been able to relate with anyone who feels too comfortable here. With the extreme spectrum of experience in your face all the time, you encounter it all. You will see or be involved in miracles here, and you will also see/be involved in the most brutal, inhumane situations possible. Being frequently overwhelmed with these extremes provides no stability. This is the true nature of our existence though. I don't mean to deny it's truth. I simply have a hard time believing anyone here with their eyes open can be completely comfortable with the truth.

But that is another thing about living in NYC: shutting down your emotions to protect yourself, to avoid confrontation, or maybe because you are too tired. Adapting to living here and being happy here may necessarily involve shutting your eyes, turning your head.

I don't know. I might have just come here too exhausted to accept the demands of this city. Maybe I'll come back in a different state and be able to see it in a new way. But for now, I leave in the morning.

So Good-bye, New York. It's been real. I hope you and your people can find some peace, which is maybe the only thing I caught no sight of in your colorful web.

But cheers and a million thanks for some of the greatest things I've ever found, that I've found in you. These two have made you worth every painful step:

Cold and Layering

Staying inside mostly, because of the weather, I am rediscovering some indoor things I love. My favorite of these recent revisitings:





One of the greatest comic book series of all times: Maison Ikkoku. It is a story that was serialized from 1980 - 1987 in monthly "to be continued..." installments. It's a romantic comedy, a long drawn out story of two people falling in love. But the whole time, you are on the edge of your seat as the two deal with their own reservations, insane misunderstandings that take place, characters that enter into the story to threaten their union, or maybe you've just fallen off your seat from laughing too hard. Heh heh heh

You can click on the photos to enlarge the pics from these two scans.





The artwork is very beautiful and each panel stands alone. The artist, Rumiko Takahashi adds thoughtfulness to every element of sequential art. Often, in one panel, I spend time thinking about what is going on, what is being said or acted out, then noticing the choice of background for instance. She is great at using secondary details symbolically to deepen the experience of what is happening in the foreground. All of the little choices she makes are so good. She is not just the artist, but also the writer - and this is a long, complicated story, but funny and light at the same time. The breadth of talent it takes to create this series can by no means be mistaken as low art for anyone who gives this a lookin' at. These books make me very happy.

Other things I've been up to while trying to keep warm: reading poems by Rumi, going to the store called "Junk" and staying in there for a long time looking at their old photographs and slides and loose papers, watching movies with Reed, recording some spouts of new music on my computer only to discover I cannot convert the files to a desirable format, looking for other recording programs, selling some items on craigslist to make my move lighter, thinking about qualities of human excellence and vice and virtue.

Here are the seven deadly sins and their contrary virtues. How to avoid the former: practice the latter.

1. Pride vs. Humility
2. Wrath vs. Forgiveness
3. Envy vs. Kindness/Admiration
4. Lust vs. Chastity
5. Gluttony vs. Moderation
6. Laziness vs. Diligence
7. Greed vs. Generosity

Some collected notes on these:

Pride - "Love of self perverted to hatred and contempt for one's neighbor" -Dante. Failing to give compliments to others though they may be deserving of them. Vainglorious.
Humility - A humble person is generally thought to be unpretentious and modest: someone who does not think that he or she is better or more important than others. "Humility is a virtue, and it is a virtue innate in guests" -Max Beerbohm

Envy - "Love of one's own good perverted to a desire to deprive other men of theirs" -Dante.
Kindness - The act or the state of charitable behavior to other people.

Wrath - "Love of justice perverted to revenge and spite" -Dante. Feelings of hatred, revenge or even denial, as well as punitive desires outside of justice.
Forgiveness - The mental, and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation, or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

Lust - Disordered or unrestrained seeking of sexual pleasure. Unfulfilled lusts sometimes lead to sexual addiction, adultery, force.
Chastity - Sexual behavior acceptable to the ethical norms of a certain culture, civilisation or religion. Embracing of moral wholesomeness and achieving purity of thought through education and betterment.

Gluttony - "excessive love of pleasure" -Dante. Overindulgence in food, drink or intoxicants.
Moderation - Finding the middle ground, avoiding excess, feeling centered and secure.

Laziness - Absence of caring. "Sluggishness of the mind which neglects to begin good... it is evil in its effect, if it so oppresses man as to draw him away entirely from good deeds" -Thomas Aquinas
Diligence- Constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind.

Greed - A desire to possess more than one has need or use for.
Generosity - Pleasure in giving things to others. Guards against becoming too attached to possessions.

Some beautiful covers..

Notes From Brooklyn

I'm thinking about warmer places. Definately like Texas, home, and also like the desert. I keep reading these New York Times articles about Santa Fe, and going through all my memories of a colored light, a sunset that changes everything and makes a great night. I am getting ready to leave this place. It has been great, but it's not for now, not for me. It has given me a lot in the past few months, and I am thankful and content with just that.

One of the most special things it has given me:
Trash.

Every night the sidewalks fill with trash. One need not jump into a dumpster here to discover the treasures of trash. There are no secrets here, and nothing to contain them. This is probably the clearest and most certain truth of the city. People consume and throw away so much trash - real trash, garbage, junk. But they also throw away so much treasure trash - things they don't need or have space for, but fully functional, working or beautiful things. If I were to stay here for a while longer, I would turn trash into my business. There is a lot of money that could be made from nightly walks, collecting trash in this city.


I was able to see something very amazing recently. I had a chance to see my hero Philip Glass at Carnegie Hall for a performance of Einstein on The Beach.. 1st performance in 15 years! God damn... The Philip Glass Ensemble is incredible. One may think of Glass' music as repetitious and therefore easy to perform, but to me it seemed like the most difficult thing. He has such subtle changes of single notes or time signatures, I imagine these pieces to be a tax on the memory of the players (not to mention their endurance). Even though they perform with the music in front of them, to play as fast as they do, they need to be masters to even just be familiar with it. The whole time I thought, "WOW!!!"

And then it is interesting to switch focus from the other performers to Philip Glass. It's all so natural. The flood of movement, his fingers crazed on the keys in such a rhythm.. but it's just the way his body moves. He's relaxed. He's wonderful.

The other reason this photograph of him is relevant to my life is that I've been composing again - I mean, writing things out and remembering how to play with all the elements of music. Playing and exploring. I've gone many months without being free enough personally to do this musically. Traveling and moving, worry has been constant along with efforts to take care. My heart has been burden-busy and hasn't been free to explore a tune. Great melodies have come to me, but I haven't been able to follow them, so now I have tons of pieces of songs but no song. My life has felt incomplete and ungrounded, and that's the perfect description for the tunes I have been writing. I'm happy to say that this is changing. In making the decision to leave here, I already feel a little more free. It's starting to spill all over the pages. For me, unified life = unified song. On the path to more than just parts and pieces..

And now - today is Isabel's birthday. Isabel is my friend in New York who I love. She is one of the most fun and free persons I've ever met. She's funny and very wild, almost someone you can't imagine being serious. But then you say "Isabel, I have a problem, I need to talk to someone" and her face changes and mirrors all of the weight you carry and you discover she is one of the greatest persons you could talk to. Happy Birthday Isabel!

When I was looking for a picture a of Philip Glass, I found this picture. Two legends working together. Earlier this year they did a tour of poems by Leonard Cohen to the music of Philip Glass. I feel a lot of admiration looking at this - two people who have spent 50+ years exploring creativity and working hard at their craft. You can hear in the results, how much work they have done and time they have spent on each single piece. Cheers to time spent well.